THE LARK PROGRAM

A liberal female democrat wrote a lot of letters to the White House
complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay. She received back the following reply:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the
Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn
that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for
short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your
personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed)
is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded
in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire
some assistant caretakers and translators.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope
that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem"
will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are
correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as
a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to
demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert
at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters
(except sexually), since he views females, especially non-Islamic
females, as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly
sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent
tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure
you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka --
over time.

Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his
religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take
good care of Ahmed - and remember...
We'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially, your friend,
Don Rumsfeld