I VOTE FOR A MUSLIM AMERICA

J. Grant Swank, Jr.

News reported yesterday that USA welcomes 7000 more Muslims. Hurrah! Just what we need. Another Muslim province to rival Detroit. Maybe they can set up intramural sports or like unto. May the losers be beheaded. Slice ‘em, dice ‘em.

In fact, I believe that America should institute the ‘sharia,’ that ‘legal and justice system’ prescribed by the hallowed Koran. Enough of our liberal courts with leftist judges. Ensconce the sharia and be done with it.

I read that an Iranian provincial leader has warned more amputations in the offing. Too much stealing going on over there. So off with the fingers, hands and arms. Off. Off. Now that’s the way it should be in Manhattan. Too much stealing going on.

As for the ‘honor killing’ whereby a clan male can perform the disappearing act for a shameful female, I’m moving in that direction. I have a couple of sisters and . . . Well, I think I’ve come upon a solution here.

And as to those several wives per male: Come to think about it, I’ve got only one and, considering we’ve been cohabiting for over 45 years, perhaps I’d better stick with uno. I can’t afford counseling for two or more.

However, when putting unruly offspring in chains locked to ankles, hmmmm. On the other hand, the one who should have had that handed out already did his 6-plus-years with the feds. So I’m good.

Yes, America is ready for a Muslim culture. We could save funding on the arts and music, for two things. We could put that money into asphalting walking lanes for males and walking lanes for females like they have in Iran. Separate but equal.
Now for the body covering. I think perhaps America could modify that a bit. After all, what would it be like viewing Oprah afternoons with her physical draped from top to toe? How could we hear what she was saying to her guests?

Or ET and The Insider? Anna Nicole Smith wrapped about from head to feet, no longer to witness her practiced snarl against Mommie Dearest? Not to mention Anna Spencer, slender beauty that she is, hidden behind black. Not fair on that move.

But when it comes to Rosie O’Donnell, I’m all for the body curtain.
Let’s again review beheading. There are a few heads that could role in DC. Let me number the names. You be the judge. We could all come up with our favorite lists and then go for it. I’d suggest we look on both sides of the aisle.
Mosques are something else though. I don’t like spikes, even atop mosques’ prayer towers.

There’s something threatening about that symbol. But then again we’re talking about a Muslim culture here. So maybe we could bend a little.
Prayer mats? Okay with me. I have a fetish for throw rugs.
Friday prayers? No problem. I’m semi-retired so right about now in my life I really don’t know if it’s Monday or Thursday. Nor do I care. So Fridays would be just ducky.

Now to this slaying the religious cowardly, I’m considering that a viable option. I’ve pastored for over 40 years and know plenty of pew warmers who need a shock or two or three. Slaying may be going a bit far, but on the other hand considering the paltry coins these play-actors put in the plate, it may not be a bad idea. After all, oil heat’s gone up. Electricity, too. Not to mention plowing church parking lots, mowing church lawns. Further, as for my salary increase?

Let’s consider marching mobs in the streets. Since a child I’ve always liked mobs. I don’t know exactly why. But I get a turn-on when witnessing mobs clamoring, yelling, pushing signs heavenward, clogging boulevards, especially when they have a brass band with majorette at the front.

So Muslim culture with mobs killing time rather than reporting to work might be a swell thing.

After all, if illegals can do it, why not Muslims?

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